get ready for a rant
I wont give any spoilers because seriously the plot of this movie doesn't seem to matter that much. By the way, even though I watched the series as a kid I'm not going to say things like "oh wasn't the original so good" or "i can't believe they didn't put what's-his-name in it" or something. I'm treating this movie with a clean canvas because to be honest you can't expect any remake to be a carbon copy of something from years ago. It would be nice and nostalgic but honestly how many people do you think would actually go to watch it.
trivialities over with I will begin with the characters and that's because this is the one thing that seriously pissed me off more than anything. For a start the transformers themselves were rather well done. A lot of people complained that they looked stupid but what the hell did you expect to be honest. This isn't a Saturday morning cartoon, they are not going to look the same. The idea about the appearance was obviously to wow us with the special effects but unfortunately this was a bit of a problem. When standing still they look pretty good but when they start to move about all the extra flanges added to the roughly human shape really made it rather difficult to actually see what was going on. Half the time i just saw stuff moving around on the screen and had no actual idea what i was actually looking at. it kinda looked like a bunch of chewed up engine parts spinning around in a blender. Now if they had made the transformers not exactly a bit less detailed but more like a solid object and not lots off little objects stuck on end to a stick figure it would have been better.
Kinda got sidetracked there. The transformers themselves seem like rather believable genuine people, the Autobots (good guy robots) would nice reasonable people and the Decepticons (bad guy robots) were understandable and believable bad guys. However I am rather disappointed that the Autobots characters were more developed and the Decepticons were kinda explained along the way. Some scenes even had me thinking the Autobots are trying to fight a war here and all stupid main characters are trying to play movie roles for some reason. except for that one Minicon which I'll get to later.
Then lets discuss all the humans other than the hacker girl, Sam, Sam's mom and that army guy, yano the white one that got more screen time. Every single one of these characters was actually rather normal and believable as people. Kinda like they were normal people in the real world and weren't aware that they were in a movie. Sometimes however it was rather weird to watch because something movie-like would happen and they would just be like "what the fuck?".
There were characters that did act a little like they were a movie character but to be honest they were the kind of douche bags would act like that in real life anyway so I didn't really notice. you see, the difference is that if they were movie characters they would have everything written for them and their actions would be more natural and not really as awkward as they were. of course I'm talking about the 'Sector 7' agent and the one cop that one cop that asked if the kid did drugs.
All these characters were just like normal people and fit their job, culture, class, etc. perfectly. In a way that made a kind of undertone of satirical humor as the characters reacted to their role as a real person would and gave funny looks like "what the hell" to all the people who were quote unquote acting.
Now let me give a lowdown of the one's i left out because this is where this entire movie just goes to shit. It's not the writing, it's not the action sequences, it's not the similarity with the original, it's not the directing, it's not the story boards or the plot, it's not the special effects and it's not the acting of almost every character. the entire movie fails because of the acting of just a handful of characters in the story.
you heard right, the movie would have been great, even a massive hit i dare to say if it wasn't for the acting of this handful of character. these few characters destroy their parts so fucking badly it brings the entire movie down wit them. And i will start from the least significant and work my way up because these characters write a whole new book on bad acting. not bad for the usual reasons like breaking the forth wall and looking at the autocue or making unbelievable performances. No, these guys have invented a whole new act altogether. The act of being the biggest assholes in cinema history. they aren't funny, they aren't charismatic and half the time i feel like i just wanna walk up to the guys and slap them so fucking on across their face that i break my wrist and all my god damn fingers because these guys certainly look nice and genuine not at all like they are acting but they don't look like the kind of people you would aspire to, they just look like complete dickheads who are being normal but normal for twats.
this is big so I'm giving each a title of its own
Sam's Mom
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Where as Sam's dad looks like the kind of dad that a lot of people have. Everything his says and does matches that of an actual genuine person. However, Sam's mom is like someone playing a role in a movie. So she makes a typical movie joke and Sam acts like an asshole son would react but the father is like "bitch, seriously? what the fuck?". She acts like she's in a movie but no-one else there does so instead of it looking like a movie scene it just looks like a recording of a normal person's life with one crazy bitch mom in the family. Everyone else is believable but she is so fucked up for being someone's mom that everyone else just looks awkward and confused around her.
The White Army Dude
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You know the white army army guy that doesn't really have much of a part in the plot of this movie yet seems to appear at some rather significant points in time. If you've watched the movie its the guy that slides between the robots legs and grenades him. if this guy was real, i seriously fear for the American Air-force. The guy looks like he's just put an army suit on and played soldier because he knows absolutely nothing about combat in any way shape or form and instead kinda looks like a normal guy who was told to play the part of an army guy and instead played the part of a police officer because that was the closest to what he had already seen on TV.
The black army guy on the other hand acts exactly like a real soldier and half the time is wondering what the hell the white guy is doing half the time because he is clearly not following protocol or army training. The white guy even calls up a damn call center instead of the emergency charge free military phone line that the black guy phone's instantly the moment he gets the damn phone.
it like a person they picked up off the street trying to play Silvester Stellone trying to play a police officer in the movie die hard and right next someone who looks like a real soldier doing his job. It just looks rather weird and awkward. even the middle-eastern kid's dad that we only see for two seconds is more believable.
The Hacker Girl
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Again this character looks weird. When she approaches the secretary of defense in the middle of a meeting to explain her theory. He's kinda "err, what are doing here. oh ok, that's very interesting but rather pointless. thanks for telling me though. can you leave now because you are actually not doing anything of any value. but keep up the hacking work cause that's actually useful. not like that random suggestion you just made that isn't really relevant.". Then when she turns up at the civilian black guy's house he's like "what the fuck are you doing here? what the hell bitch? why are you bringing classified shit into my house? what the fuck is wrong wit you?".
In other words she acts like a character in a movie playing a role and everyone else in the movie is just doing normal stuff. When she turns up she does all kinds of crazy shit and all the other people are like "what the hell are you doing? this isn't a movie or something.". It's very very strange.
The One Minicon In The Movie
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Apart from when this thing is actually doing combat a lot of what it does just seems unbelievably goofy next to everyone else's normal-ness. it's like putting bugs bunny in terminator except that it is actually just a guy who thinks he is bugs bunny and acts like the character in real life.
So in other words the other transformers look like normal people and this thing looks like a mental patient impersonating a cartoon character. very, very strange.
and at last there is the biggie. The absolute worst of all the characters in the movie. I am of course talking about...
Sam
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Sam is a strange one. His acting is alot more like the extras in the movie than the side characters. He looks like a perfectly genuine guy who has found himself in this situation. The one problem is that this is the main character of the whole entire movie and he is the most unlikable asshole of a character. Half the time you can hear the other characters groaning and sigh or sometimes just feel the awkwardness between everyone else and him. He isn't likable, or funny, or charismatic, or even pleasant to watch. He's just a total asshole being a dick all the time and everyone else is just depressed that they have to be near him.
This guy acts like he wants to be punched. He is offensive to every character and whenever they comment on it he even more offensive back. And all the time none of what he says is clever or funny but you can tell in his own head he thinks it is. He doesn't give a flying fuck about anyone but just seems rather eager to get his car back, not because he has an emotional attachment to it but more like he's just a dick and he wants the car because that's HIS car.
The horrible thing is that everyone else is being rather nice and genuine around him and he is just going "ha ha! go fuck yourself" to everyone he meets. The only exception to this rule being the girl he meets who he clearly doesn't a shit about and just wants to get her pants off finding to his surprise that he actually has a chance with her. I personally think their must be a sex scene missing where she tosses him out of her house in the middle because he's such an asshole. You see, at one point in the movie it goes from potential romance to i hate your guts but I'm hanging around with you because for some reason i have to for a while.
I mean, seriously. Sam is a total asshole to everyone he meets: his parents, his girlfriend, her boyfriend, the FBI or whatever they are, the police, his dog, his best friend, his car, the car salesman, the army guys that help him out, the secretary of defense, the hacker team, Megatron and even the Autobots themselves. why would i ever like this annoying asshole who just seems to be on a mission to tease everyone into beating him up and then run away when they try. Even when this dude's life is in danger he still acts a douche picking on the bad guys, which i guess you are meant to think is him being defiant and good somehow.
So in other words.
This movie would have been great if the side characters i mentioned were better acted and more genuine and Sam was just a nice likable person and not a twat.
There are a few issues with special effects and there is an awful lot of pointless not exactly scenes but more like bits of scenes and there is a rather large lack of yano, the transformers. Yano, that thing the actual movie was about to begin with.
And that's not coming from a transformers fan there. I just think that if the transformers are doing most the actual anything in this movie that the focus should be on them. They are the main focus of the plot, they are the ones that do all the actual fighting in the fight scenes. As far as the plot is concerned Sam and all the other main characters are side characters and extras.
They don't add anything to the movie. They are just there. That's like making a house makeover program and making 90% of it about buying the tools and paint instead of yano, the DIY?
It's like writing a story about your life and instead writing it about the lives of everyone else you know and omitting yourself apart from the times in their lives when they actually met you.
This whole movie, even the camera angles just looks like a real life recording of transformers coming down to earth and having a fight out with a couple of actual actors shoved in who try to do movie stuff and everyone else is like "dude, what the fuck are you doing you crazy weirdo?".
so I can suggest this movie if you are a fan of the movie Cable Guy but if you hate that movie you'll probably want to tie Sam to a lamppost and set the fucker alight because this is just a weird weird experience rather than a movie.
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